Field Session Reading, Joshua Tree 2026
Imagine this.
It's August 2022. I’m at a company offsite on the beach in Santa Cruz. The next morning, I'm scheduled to give a PowerPoint presentation in front of the entire company, including the CEO.
I know the material. How hard can this be? I'll just put the presentation together back at the hotel tonight.
What I didn't account for was my old coping mechanism of drinking to manage social anxiety, especially when meeting new people.
Drink 1 to loosen up a bit
Drink 2 to fit in with the group
Drink 3 to be funny
Drink 4 to want to be liked
Drink 5 because who can pass up free drinks?
Drink 6 everyone else is still drinking, right? Right?
Drink 7 because I’m “cool” and “fun.” We’re having fun, right?
Drink 8 how many drinks have I really had? Was there a shot in there somewhere?
Drink 9 still having fun, right?
Drink 10 did we close the hotel bar down? Things are a little blurry
Back at the hotel room, it hits me.
Oh shit! I have that presentation tomorrow.
I’ll just go to sleep and put it together in the morning.
Morning: 🤢🤢🤢
I hadn't been that hungover in a LONG time.
During COVID, I'd made real progress changing my relationship with alcohol. But I'd also spent a lot of time alone, away from the social situations that usually triggered my anxiety.
Now here I was, back around people, and right back in an old pattern I thought I was moving away from.
And to make matters worse, I still had a presentation to write, let alone present!
If you can imagine the worst presentation you've ever sat through, mine was worse.
I bombed. Completely.
But the worst part wasn't the presentation.
It was how terrible I felt about myself.
SHAME
I'd been working so hard to change my relationship with alcohol, and here I was again. Drinking to fit in, drinking to manage my anxiety, drinking to be someone I thought other people wanted me to be. Drinking that led to overdrinking.
I do not have an off switch when it comes to drinking. Sound familiar?
Then, waking up feeling like I'd let myself down.
Fast forward four years to November 2026.
I haven't spoken in front of a group of people since that disastrous presentation in Santa Cruz.
Then, this past weekend, an opportunity presented itself to share a piece of art, writing, or something creative at a new event in Joshua Tree called Field Sessions.
Without hesitation, I signed up. I didn't give it much thought.
Sure, I questioned why I would do something so unlike me, but I also didn’t question it. There was a part of me that knew deep down this was my next step in my process.
I knew I wanted to share my recent discovery of Aphantasia. I'd written about it in my previous blog post, I Don't Have a Mind's Eye. I Have Aphantasia, but something about reading those words out loud felt important.
Before every presentation for my entire life, I'd get sweaty palms, my heart would be racing, and I could feel the anxiety coming through my body.
So naturally, I expected those same feelings to show up on Saturday.
I kept telling myself and close friends before the event that I was nervous, but my nervous system was telling me otherwise.
I’d say those words, but then I’d attune to my body, and the response didn’t match the narrative in my head.
As my turn got closer, something unfamiliar happened.
I WAS CALM!
I was comfortable. I was back in Joshua Tree, a place that feels like Home because it is Home.
I didn't need or want a glass of wine, which wasn't surprising since I've barely had a drink these past two years.
And, was it possible that I was actually feeling a little excitement?
When it was my turn to read, the fear and nerves I'd expected to arrive never did. I was comfortable being there, sharing my story.
It felt exhilarating to be honest. There was laughter at the points where I tried to bring humor and I could feel the audience was engaged.
Afterward, people came up to share how my story had made them feel and the questions it had raised about their own lives.
How did I feel?
EMPOWERED.
My dear friend Amy recorded my reading about discovering Aphantasia, and if you're curious, you can watch it here.
[Watch My Field Sessions Reading on YouTube]
And something I never expected happened.
I wanted to do it again. There is a deep desire to speak my truth and use my voice.
Looking back at that afternoon in Santa Cruz, I can see just how misaligned I was with my truth.
I was in a codependent relationship, working for a manager who was downright mean, and still struggling with using alcohol to manage my social anxiety.
That experience was the reminder that something needed to change.
A lot has happened in those four years. I've changed my relationship with alcohol, left a relationship and job that weren't right for me, and started building a life that feels more aligned with who I am.
And it has me wondering, was I really afraid of public speaking all those years, or was that fear connected to how uncomfortable I was with myself and where I was in my life?
I don't know for sure, but Saturday showed me just how much has changed.
For years, I believed public speaking was something I wasn’t good at. Now, it's something I actually want to do.
And that has me wondering what else might be possible as I continue to live more in alignment with my truth.
